April 10, 2018

A GUILTY MAMA

Ever have one of “those” days or even “those” weeks? It’s exactly where I’ve been in regards to this blog and my entire presence as a social media influencer. So many of you have messaged me saying it’s all to do with Mercury retrograde and I believe it but shit Mercury needs to get it together because I can’t take it any longer. But that’s a post for another day… 

Because there is always one thing that stays constant and that is my family. Even though the plans for the last 2 weekends got turned upside down we still always make things happen and always make sweet memories and have a great time with our kids. But truthfully no matter how much I pray for patience and how much I enjoy the mayhem some days, there are other days my patience runs short and in turn I end of with a bag of guilt. 

I think (at least I hope!) I am not the only one that goes through this. As a mom, wife, blogger, part-time marketing assistant, daughter, niece, granddaughter, and overall hustler, life gets crazy, busy and patience runs short. Last night while trying to do a hundred things at once while putting the kids to bed I got really mad because they wouldn’t listen to me and wouldn’t settle down for bed, so I yelled like a crazy person and they calmed down but Emme started crying. Now it’s clearly not the first time I yell and it won’t be the last. The difference is the reaction Emme had and hoe it put it all in perspective for me for that short moment in time. 

She said to me while crying: “just be happy, mama be happy” and boy did that break my heart. Because I realized that this is exactly what all our children want and that is for their parents to simply BE HAPPY. 

We, the adults, are the complicated ones. I am perfectionist and a planner… two very bad traits to have because I over complicate things and all my kids want is simple joys with their parents and by that they find happiness. Yes they weren’t listening and I didn’t know at the time how to get them to settle down. I was tired, exhausted, Mercury (rolls eyes) and I had done a thousand things yesterday. I know all the reasons why my patience was short but I still felt like shit. 

I felt heartbroken and I like a bad mother, of course I did. I hugged her and I cried and I said to her, “yes Emme you make me happy and mama is happy now”. And I apologized for yelling and hugged her and she was calm. I still felt bad and I had that mom guilt that settles right in. It was her innocence and sentiment and those 3 words truly touched the deepest part of my heart. So I prayed. And I am still praying. Being a mom (or parent) is not easy. Most days I enjoy every moment spent with my children, I pray for their health and I enjoy planning things with them. But there are other days when I fail. If Emme only knew the lesson she taught me last night… I hope I can be everything she (and Ben) want me to be and, in that raise HAPPY-kind-loving children. 
If you are having a tough mom day, breath and pray. I am with you… I know it’s hard some days but they are little for a short time. Let’s enjoy these moments even when we feel like we’ve failed. From one mama to another, stay strong.

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